The weather was so nice today that a kangaroo (not a Shin-boner) came out to check out the delights of Old Ivanhoe.  He stopped in the middle of the 6th and coughed loudly and in the process put Chrispy off his shot.  I wonder if this will be an omen for the footy match that Chris and Brent, his North Melbourne supporting son-in-law, were rushing off to watch.  Other Collingwood supporters in the club were taking heart from the carolling that a group of magpies were making on another part of the course.  Could this be another omen.  Only one can be right.  Time will tell.  Regardless of the omens, there were 20 players out on the course with 18 competing for the Fred Howe and two guests competing for their handicaps.  Peter has put in his third card and now has his handicap, just a fraction too late to be eligible for this event.  Ken Watson, a good mate of Rob, came along and put his card in and Rob is quietly confident that he will see what a good bunch of blokes we are and that, in the fullness of time, he will complete the set and join us on some sort of regular basis.

Ten people started off their round with a par on the first.  One with a birdie.  But the bloke for whom the pars just kept coming and coming was Pepsi who made enough birdies to just about offset his bogies to bring in a card one over par for the round and a total of 41 points.  A very nice start to a major tournament although, when asked, Pepsi opined that it could have been better.  Some people are never satisfied.

Gordon wasn’t too happy with his practice round on Thursday after his short game appeared to have abandoned him.  So, he made a resolution that he was only going to use his wedge around the green today.  He largely kept to the resolve and the result showed on the scoreboard with a very commendable 38 points the result.  A little bit of work to do but he obviously doesn’t want to go head to head with Pepsi as there is some sort of excuse about needing to get away early and having to be in the first group.  But don’t the first group have to cook the barbie?

Next, we have the man who would have to be either the luckiest or the unluckiest man in the Club depending on your point of view.  His drive on the 17th carried straight and true across the trees and swamp, landed on the green and ran on up to the hole.  It crossed the boundary of the hole, contacted the pin and fell to the side only millimetres from the hole.  Very nearly the Club’s first Albatross but the easiest of tap-ins for the Eagle and a very fine dividend of 13 balls from the Nest.  SOS tried to suggest that, if it had gone in (and opinions suggest that, if the pin had not been there, it would have), he would not have been eligible to collect as it wasn’t, technically, an Eagle.  Anyway, that nice little score helped him to 37 points and a Leaderboard placing of 3rd.

The 17th certainly had its moments today.  Rob tried for the green (or did he?) and his ball disappeared into the trees and hit something.  Rob was mostly hoping to be allowed to assume that it was in the hazard when it was found on the fairway side of the trees with a narrow gap between the big tree and the pond  Rob opted for that path and skinnied the ball such that it could easily have ended in the rough beyond the green or even out on the path.  However, there was a duck strategically placed on the green and Rob’s ball went close to disappearing up the duck’s fundament and stopped dead on the green.  The 15m putt teetered on the edge of the hole and then rocked back and stayed out.  That could easily have been two holes and two birdies in two shots.  The real Birdie brought the total of that particular feathered variety to eleven.

Rounding out the five most likely was Brendon who had a really baaaaad back nine after almost taking the front nine apart.  Who said Kiwis didn’t like sheep!

The Nearest the Pin competitions today were all on the usual suspects.  The BallPin was on the 12th and Chrispy put in an early claim but he was outdone by Pepsi who collected the ball.  With his swing in fine fettle, Peps repeated the dose on the 15th take out the mobile ProPin with a shot to 3.23m.  The big money today was on the 18th and with the pin on the lower deck there was perhaps more chance for it to go off despite the pin being placed dangerously close to the front edge of the green.  In the end, Simon got closest with a shot to 3.61m.  He had to dash off and, despite the heart-felt assurances from his group-mates that he had agreed to share and they would take care of it, SOS has held over the dividend until next week.

There were quite a few draughties today and the 2nd was a particularly happy hunting ground.  Ken’s was a bit stiff as he got a gum tree dead centre and the ball bounced back into the danger zone.  Harry skulled his into the reeds and despite a detailed search he could only come up with five balls that weren’t his.  A bit tough trying to score a point hitting three still on the back tee-box.  But have pity of Porks, who had taken two shots and still had not reached the red markers.  The video will be published on the Facebook page in due course.  Not to be outdone, the 15th claimed a couple of victims as well.   Chrispy was one that had trouble getting from the high tee to the low tee.  Dennis went scrub bashing and also found about five balls, none of which was his and claimed some sort of a moral victory in that it could not be proven that he did not make it the the red markers.  Mr Trump would probably have great difficulty with that sentence!

Coming back to the 17th, it was almost a case of a double-eagle today.  Brent smashed his drive to about  a metre past the hole and was judged to be almost a sure thing from that distance.  Whether it was nerves or the fact that he would soon be off to watch the footy, he missed the hole by a margin and finished past almost as far as he started.  The birdie was achieved (thank goodness).

Allan was back with us today after an extended lay-off with illness (including pneumonia).  Welcome back Allan and glad that you are well again.  Allan was well rugged up and laid claim to wearing four layers but it seems that Gordon reckons that he had on five.  Except, of course, for his legs which were bare.  Brendon was noticed deep in conversation after the game, holding forth for several minutes and all the time stirring his coffee.  Must be about the best mixed cup of coffee ever!  Mehmet turned up at the end.  He did intend to play and even got up for a coffee and a fag but then decided that there was something much more attractive about (or was that in?) bed and so back into the feathers he went and we missed out on seeing his smiling (bearded) face out on the course.

Don’t forget, even if you didn’t play today you are welcome to come along next week and tuck into the fine fare of bar-be-que food that will be on offer.  You could also win a ball in the ball-run if you have a good round.  Just let us know (everybody) so that we can get the catering right.

Results for Saturday, 21 July 2018
Leaderboard Round 1 1st Andrew Petricola(41) 2nd Gordon Hill(38) 3rd John Quinlan(37) 4th Robert Priems(36) 5th Brendon Mitchell(34)

Seniors Leaderboard: 1st Gordon Hill (38) 2nd Harry Boughen (33) 3rd Bill Eastoe (31)

Nearest the Pin Results: ProPin No 1 15th Andrew Petricola ProPin No 2 18th Simon Powell BallPin 12th Andrew Petricola

Eagle’s nest Results: Eagle 17th John Quinlan

Perhaps the ground staff had left the sprinklers on overnight was the thought on hearing reports of ‘puddles’ on the second green.  The sky was clear and the radar had been blotch free all night.  Clearing the ear-wax revealed that it was actually poodles (well only one actually) that had run onto the green sniffed at several balls and decided that it liked Simon’s the best (maybe it was the ‘busted custard’ from his puffer) and tried to run off with it.  Fortunately, this is classified as an external agency and so the ball can be replaced as near as possible to the spot where it lay and it can be played without penalty.  The other 13 players and two guests were unaffected by poodles or puddles although there may very well have been other influences on their game.

Now it is well known that Harry was barracking for the other seniors in the field today in the hope that Simon could be kept out of the Seniors points table.  Unfortunately, his ‘mulligrubs’ incantations seem to have worked on the rest of the field and Simon came home, guns blazing with two consecutive birdies on the back nine.  That brought the total of the little feathery blighters to nine for the day.  But, for about the nth week in a row, Simon didn’t cross check his card and his marker had missed a point on one hole and so, rather than tying with Gordo, Simon actually won the day outright with 37 points.  So, it is probably justice that he only got the one ball from the ball-run.

The one consolation for Gordon is that he didn’t suffer the winners penalty and he will get to play another two days on his existing handicap.  Gordon could be forgiven for wondering what might have been after having a majority of three pointers on the front nine only to fade a bit on the back.

Damo seemed to be keen to support the pink ribbon round by using a pink tee that he searched for diligently on the first tee.  Unfortunately for the pink tee, there will be no tomorrow after the top half was found and returned after nine holes.  At which stage Damo was rather disconsolate having three putted from half a metre on the 9th.  But, an even par score on the back probably compensated a little and propelled Damien into the placings.  Chrispy is back from casting goats into the volcanoes of Bali and the gods looked favourably on his sacrifice and awarded him a share of third place.  Noodles probably hasn’t cast any goats into volcanoes, or anywhere else for that matter, but the gods rewarded him equally.

Rob seems  to have taken a little while to warm to the task of playing golf today and a pretty reasonable back nine, including a birdie on the 13th, was enough to get him 4th place without having to jostle for position on the podium.  Whitey, the evenly balanced character that he is, spread his scoring equally between the nines to bring up his total of 32 points.

The BallPin was on the 12th but the volcano gods changed their mind part way through the round and gave the ball to Damo rather than to Chrispy.  The first ProPin was on the 15th and it was Simon who presented for the cash with a shot to 3.42 metres.  The second ProPin on the 18th saw the flag on the lower level and, wouldn’t you know it, a number of people finished with their ball on the upper level.  Chrispy putted from the back of the green and looked to have judged the weight perfectly as the ball reached the start of the slope with zero speed.  But, just a smidge too much of the zero speed and the ball stayed about a quarter of a turn from continuing its journey to the hole.  Long story short, the 18th ProPin went begging again and there will be a substantial slab of money up for grabs next week.

Porks could be forgiven for thinking he didn’t have a good day.  A bit of a duff off the first brought some chiacking from the groups behind.  His drive on the third was a corker but it finished in the green-keepers material for removal in the far corner so he could take a free drop as GUR.  Unfortunately his second disappeared and only a single point graced his card after three.  Then, it seemed that he had at least gained a Championship point at the end of the day, only to be relegated from that as well.

Trevor also didn’t start the day off too well having managed to leave his wallet and some other personal items back at home.  While reversing his cart along the path by the 6th tee he managed to run it up onto the tee box with a risk of capsizing the lot and almost cleaning up the ladies who were crossing on their way to the 3rd tee.  Needless to say, Trev wasn’t the happiest of campers by the end of the day.

Ben, now has his three cards in and has a nice new handicap to play with.  Fortunately, he won’t be with us for a couple of weeks and so the Fred Howe trophy, at least, is safe.  Peter has put in his second card and is looking forward to being able to play in the comp.  Rumour has it that he has taken some lessons and his card today had a scattering of pars on it so it might not be too long before we see his name up in lights.

Results for Saturday, 14 July 2018
1st Simon Powell(37) 2nd Gordon Hill(36) 3rd Stephen Butterfield(35) 3rd Damien Lee(35) 3rd Chris Priems(35) 4th Robert Priems(34) 5th Rodney White(32)

Seniors Results: 1st Simon Powell (37) 2nd Gordon Hill (36) 3rd Dennis Ward (26) 3rd Trevor Jackson (26)

Nearest the Pin Results: ProPin No 1 15th Simon Powell ProPin No 2 18th Jackpot BallPin 12th Damien Lee

The images on the radar didn’t look too flash and the wind gusts reminded Harry and Simon of their recent visit to King Island.  But, that didn’t stop 15 brave souls venturing out to do battle with the elements and the vagaries of the golf course.  Ben joined us again on his path to getting a new handicap and confused Bob no end by picking up when he reached the limit of two over on a hole.  It wasn’t all pick-ups though as he managed a couple of pars and a birdie on the 17th.  The latter effort (had it counted) would have boosted the tally for the day beyond the less than startling five.  Maybe the wind was affecting the run of the ball on the green.  Or maybe not.

As they say in the classics, when the going gets tough, the tough get going.  And the one that made the best of the tough going was Dale who came in with the Club’s favourite number to take out his second medal for the year.  With only the winners penalty affecting his handicap, can he keep up the pace and make it four before the year end?  Actually, keeping up the pace would only make it three at the outside but who wants to be bothered with maths at this stage of the day.

SOS wasn’t being misogynistic when he was complaining about his ‘fat lady’ on the 6th.  He reckons those so-and-sos playing the second nicked off with his ball.  And he moaned for the rest of the round about how it had spoiled things.  Be that as it may, his round was still good enough to snag second place.  But, he did have to share the glory of that high place with Whitey who seems to be adjusting from the willow to the wood quite nicely.

On Thursday, Simon declared that he was going to have a 73 today.  What he didn’t declare was whether that was going to be off the stick or nett.  If the former, he didn’t make it.  If the latter, he did and went one better to get third place with a 72 nett.  Si’s chipping today was exemplary and the back yard practice is paying off with at least one chip in for birdie on the 5th. He was joined by Bob who managed to have fives on seven on the last nine holes.

Michael gave up on the Greens today to have a go at the (proper) greens.  Now, Michael was trying to claim some sort of record for the highest concentration of blasphemy for a round and, at one stage, on the 14th, a club was seen to leave his hands after a second duffed pitch.  There was also a metallic clang suggesting that a buggy might also have been involved.  However, the ‘swear bear’ award probably should go to Harry who was involved in some serious muttering for most of the round.

Next cab off the rank was Captain Pugwash who, in support of his claim to having the ‘best legs in Melbourne’ continues to wear shorts while everybody else was rugged up to the nines.  Noodles and John managed to squeeze in for a point with their score of 78.

SOS put his ball pin high and a couple of metres out to claim the BallPin on the 12th.  He wimped (his words) on the putt and didn’t contribute to the birdie tally.  After the first nine, Porks looked to on his way to raising his bat for the century round.  But, he came good, relatively speaking on the back nine and claimed the ProPin on the 15th with a shot to 3.5m.  The ProPin on the 18th proved to be elusive again and there will be a Jackpot pool up for grabs next week.  Ben did put his ball to within the 5m radius of the pin but, unfortunately, the ball was not on the green so, close but no cigar.

There was one draughtie today when Jason managed to not even make it to the blue tees on the 6th let alone the red ones.  Ben went close on the 5th where the tee is surrounded by the piles of spoil from the excavations around about.  His low ‘skull’ shot slammed into one of the dirt mounds and managed to pop up and onto the far side of the mound which put the ball just in front of the line of the red tees.  Much to the disappointment of SOS.  Ben had another mishap on the 8th.  A gust of wind caught his raised umbrella in the holder on his buggy and upended the whole box and dice spreading tees, pitch repairers, gps, sand and all sorts of other paraphernalia far and wide.  Also trashed the umbrella.  Afeared of getting wet, Ben rushed into the Proshop and bought another only to not have to take the cover off as it resolutely refused to rain for the rest of the round.

While on the subject of cart mishaps, Brendon gave his a big free-wheeling push as he approached the green on the 17th only to see it veer to the right and finish in the water hazard.  Fortunately the surrounding growth saved the day and he did not have to repeat Matt’s ‘strip and search’ from last week.  Noodles spent some time wandering about among the trees between the 18th and the 9th and his group were about to send out a search party when he eventually found his errant ball.  His shot over the trees, hazard and fence to the 17th green was probably lucky to hit one of the parked buggies that might have saved it from OOB.  The long kikuyu where it finished didn’t make for much of a shot though.

The 17th seems to have been something of a bad spot today.  Pepsi put his first from the tee to somewhere that demanded a provisional ball and the thought was that it should be somewhere close handy to the green.  When the ball could not be found the only conclusion to be made was that it had carried on and into the Yarra.  Feeling lazy, Pepsi opted not to walk back to the tee and declared himself NCR.  How he had been going until that stage was not revealed as the incomplete card was not forthcoming.

On a serious note though, our thoughts are with Targe and Nerille after his rather nasty accident yesterday.  As a result of his injuries, it looks as if it will be quite some time before we see our Captain’s smiling face on the tees at Ivanhoe.  Targe is in the Alfred Hospital and would surely welcome a visit if you can spare the time.  A big get well soon, Targe, from all at Ivanhoe.

Results for Saturday, 07 July 2018
1st Dale Webb(69) 2nd Stephen O’Sullivan(71) 2nd Rodney White(71) 3rd Michael Gourlay(72) 3rd Bob McDonald(72) 3rd Simon Powell(72) 4th Gordon Hill(77) 5th Stephen Butterfield(78) 5th John Quinlan(78)

Seniors Results: 1st Bob McDonald (72) 1st Simon Powell (72) 2nd Gordon Hill (77) 3rd Harry Boughen (86)

Nearest the Pin Results: ProPin No 1 15th Ryan Porker ProPin No 2 18th Jackpot BallPin 12th Stephen O’Sullivan

Dennis slept right up to the alarm going off and thought briefly about giving it a miss given the forecast of rain showers and westerly winds adding a chill factor the the forecast maximum of 13C.  A couple of times during the round he was heard to wish that he had stuck with his first waking thought.  But then he would have missed out on the great company of twenty others who made similar decisions to chance their arm with the prospect of a bounty of points in a GrandPar competition.  Included in the numbers was Ben, who now has embarked on the task of re-establishing his handicap after his break away from the club.  We were also joined by Peter Damou who found us on Facebook and was not too put off by the photographic evidence of the type of person that plays with the club.  Peter is a new-comer to the game but, if he can keep the country rail system running then there is a fair chance he can master the challenges involved with playing in our exalted company.  A big welcome, Peter and we look forward to seeing you on the tee again soon.

Chrispy was supposed to be heading off to Bali for a well-earned break but the small matter of an erupting volcano has intervened and departure is now scheduled for Sunday, provided that the wind is blowing in the right direction.  Not because of any need to clear the air around Chris but to clear the air around Bali.  As it turned out, Chrispy managed to find a bit of the form that we know he is capable of and there was nary a shank in sight as Chris powered his way to a fine score of +4.  This was helped along by a chip in for a birdie on the 17th and, if it hadn’t been for that, there would have been only four of the feathery little blighters captured for the day.  Which suggests that conditions might not have been as benign as Chris’s score would suggest.

Dave spends a bit of time playing at Heidelberg and the greens there are a different standard to that set here at ‘Royal’ Ivanhoe and so he had a bit of difficulty with the flat stick and left a few points begging as a result.  His driving, on the other hand was exemplary with reports of needing only a gap wedge on the 13th and as much as a full wedge on the 16th (into the wind).  So, his score line of +2 probably did not truly reflect the potential for what might have been on the day.

The third place spot was shared around a bit with three players, Brent, Noodles and Dale.  Oops, can we make that four?  Of course we can, Rob!  So, when all the cards were finally submitted, +1 was the score required.  Noodles squeezed in by dint of a double pointer on the first, and, in doing so he became a member of a fairly small group to achieve that distinction.  He also managed to miss heaps of short putts so he could be a force to be reckoned with in days to come.  Rob, on the other hand, was spotted buying a round on the basis that he left his drive some 10m short of the red markers on the 7th although it must be admitted that the blues were well to the back and the reds were well to the front.  Unperturbed, he put his next on the green and managed a respectable enough bogie.

Captain Pugwash is still waxing lyrical about the delights of flagons of French wine, crispy (not Chrispy) baguettes and smelly cheeses but there was nothing smelly about his form today with a square card and a share of 4th place (and 1st place in the Seniors).  Right alongside him was Bob who showed signs of being able to take the event with some very respectable approach shots and some ‘power’ putting that happened to find the centre of the hole rather than the edge of the green.  In a veritable feast of Seniors, Targe and the Beast filled 5th place.  Simon remains confused about scoring and/or the difference between his inside and outside handicaps and had to be dropped out of the main points line-up.  There is a thought that Dennis might have had something to do with persuading him to claim a square rather than a miss.

The BallPin was on the 4th and Bob managed to stay on the green by the narrowest of margins to take the ball for the day.  The 15th was a very nice little Double Jackpot from the last two weeks although the field numbers were a little down over that time. Still, it was worth fighting for and Chrispy added to his laurels for the day by sneaking it just closer than SOS to take the prize pool at 3,28m.  The second ProPin on the 18th went begging after Harry’s shot almost made it to the crest and then, frustratingly, rolled back down the slope.  Dennis, on the other hand was just a bit too long and would have been in a good position if the flag had been on the top shelf.

For the first time in a little while, the Birthday Birdie has a job of work this week and that is to make a big how-d’ye-do for Pepsi who will move just a fraction closer to playing his age.

The stories behind today’s draughties bear some consideration.  Rob’s you already know about.  Ben was buying a round but that was only due to his kind-hearted generosity.  On the 15th, his playing group thought they had one for sure when his drive disappeared into the trees and seemed destined to come to a sudden halt OOB and behind the reds.  Lo and behold, the ball appeared on the other side of the scrub and finished comfortably on the green.  What did they say about the Age of Miracles?

For a long time now, people have been commenting about how close to the ball Simon makes his practice swing.  Today, the swing was just a fraction off plane and the ball skittered off at 90 degrees and finished several metres away on the edge of the 6th fairway.  Simon opted to consider the ball ‘in play’ and carried on to play the hole from where it lay.  However, as it was Simon’s normal practice to make a practice swing and he had not addressed the ball to make a stroke, the ball was not ‘in play’ and he was entitled to replay the shot from the teeing ground without penalty.  Just goes to show, it pays to be familiar with the Rules.  And, technically, it wasn’t even a draughtie except that he chose to play it.

Peter was another to have a close shave on the draughtie front when his tee shot on the 12th finished precisely aligned with the red markers.  His second ended on the bank behind the green and, from that difficult spot, the ball finished some 25m down the bank at the front of the green.  A lesser person would have despaired but a brilliant chip placed the ball convincingly in the hole for the bogie.

The 12th today seemed to have some sort of fatal attraction for some members.  There had been a few sprinkles of rain, but not a lot to speak of.  Unless, of course, there was a mini storm cloud that hovered over Matt’s golf bag and dumped a load of water down the tubes to thoroughly wet the grips and make them as slippery as an eel.  So much so that when Matt took his swing at the ball from the tee, the club slipped out of his hands and flew gracefully through the air to finish just about in the centre of the duck pond by the tee.  At least, that is the story he is putting around.  There was a fair gaggle of on-lookers and no shortage of photographic evidence of the ‘creature’ emerging from the depths of the Black Lagoon.

The 16th also had its share of adventures.  Dennis decided to ‘try’ something from the tee and promptly hooked the ball OOB.  Resolving not to ‘try’ that again he  repeated the shot almost exactly although this time it struck a tree and dropped back into play but far too far away for any hope of a scoring chance.  Ben decided to use the 16th as he played the 14th and was spotted playing a rather ‘chunky’ pitch shot that saw an exceedingly well formed divot travel almost as far as the ball.

Results for Saturday, 30 June 2018
1st Chris Priems(+4) 2nd David Mullenger(+2) 3rd Stephen Butterfield(+1) 3rd Robert Priems(+1) 3rd Brent Rowley(+1) 3rd Dale Webb(+1) 4th Gordon Hill(□) 4th Bob McDonald(□) 5th Bill Eastoe(-2) 5th Targe Mifsud(-2)

Seniors Results: 1st Bob McDonald (□) 1st Gordon Hill (□) 2nd Bill Eastoe (-2) 2nd Targe Mifsud (-2) 3rd Simon Powell (-3)

Nearest the Pin Results: ProPin No 1 15th Chris Priems ProPin No 2 18th Jackpot BallPin 4th Bob McDonald