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The handicapper was Moystoning his lips on 30 May 2020

The mozzie is back
Handicap, schmandicap!
There was movement down at Ivanhoe, for the word had passed around 

That the cart from Bobby Mac had got away,

And joined the wild push buggies - it was worth at least a grand,

And all the hacks had gathered for to play.

And why wouldn’t all the hacks come out to play. The course has had a chance to soak up some of the excess moisture and the BOM had promised a nice sunny day. It wasn’t particularly sunny when the first group hit off but that was only because the sun wasn’t quite up yet. A bit over three weeks and it will start getting up earlier but, in the meantime, the first group will need their best straight shots.

Pepsi misses a draughtie
I didn’t want to lose my ball so early in the round.

He wasn’t quite in the first group but Pepsi made sure that his first tee shot did not get lost in the distance. There were gasps of bitter disappointment from his companions as the ball managed to bobble on just enough to get past the red markers. Pepsi avoiding a draughtie by the barest of margins is not something that you would see, or expect to see for that matter, in many a long day. Just goes to show that it can happen to anybody.

Now Mostyn has just returned from a break of almost 6 years and claimed that he hasn’t played much and probably should be re-handicapped. He turned in his three cards and got his new handicap. Today was his first official competition round. There were rumours swirling around the course that the lad had turned with 23 points on the card. The handicapper was beside himself and licking his lips in anticipation. Mostyn’s eyes obviously glazed over at the sight of such a prodigious number and the back nine did not go quite so well and he finished the day with a slightly more respectable 39 points. The handicapper’s eyes are wet rather than his lips.

Dennis wasn’t quite as flash on the front nine though he could have challenged for the best if it had not been for a triple on the 8th. He also missed scoring on the 12th but robbed himself of a point on the 15th and, as a result he finished just a point behind to take out the second spot. Peter managed to gather himself a couple of four pointers with birdies on the 11th and the 17th which stood him is good stead to get his total for the round of 36 points. Twelve other birdies brought to grand total to 14 from a pretty impressive crowd of 29 players.

The Beast caused no end of confusion by scoring his card on the markers side but he did play a very balanced round of 17 points on each half for his total of thirty four. It’s been a while since Craig went to school and he has obviously forgotten how to add up so, instead of sharing fifth he was able to share 4th with Bill. Stef was on and then he was off and then he was on again. Not his game, the playing list. He wouldn’t say much about the reason why. Chrispy, on the other hand was as steady as a rock (and is it any wonder) and joined Stef in fifth place with their tally of 33 points.

The Matchplay competition is progressing well and, with any sort of luck, and cooperation from members, we should be able to get it out of the way sooner rather than later and, maybe, back on the original schedule. JQ came up against Blighty and the result was possibly open to question after John prematurely conceded the 13th. However, the final result of 3 and 2 suggests that some remarkable scoring would have been required to turn it around completely. Daniel didn’t get off to a good start with a bit of a ‘duck hook’ (if he was a right hander) off the first. He did manage a few wins but the match went dormie 5 at the 13th and a win on the 14th gave the match to Chris 6 and 4.

Bob still learning
One of these days I’ll get my Ps

The match between Bob and Damo proved to be interesting. Bob had the better of the front nine by dint of the twenty strokes that he received from Damien and by sinking some serious putts to match scores and take the hole as a result. Damo might have been put off a little by having to avoid being run down by Bob’s buggy. On the other hand, on the back nine, Bob might have been distracted from the main game by trying to keep the buggy under control and his lead of three at the turn turned into a victory for Damo 2 and 1. Enzo played the Beast and there seems to have been a modicum of misunderstanding as to how the Matchplay index works. Bill also had the best of the front nine but Enzo made a bit of a fist of it on the back and, at one point actually got his nose in front. A bit of a relapse on the last few holes gave the match to Bill 1 up.

The Nearest the Pin competition today does suggest that most of the birdies were not on the par threes. The only one to go off was the BallPin on the 12th which was knocked down to Blighty. If the crowd next week is anything like today, the ProPin on the 15th will definitely be worth winning and this could bring out some denizens from the deep.

The Birthday Birdie has a good wish to hand out to Dave for later in the week. Targe celebrated today with a fairly significant mile-stone of 800 games. Not a bad effort for the little fellah. Stef’s claim to fame today was that he went OOB from the 16th – to the right! Noodles has decided that he is the world’s worst chipper after today’s performance. Chrispy is up for a second trip away next year with the Punter’s Club but he doesn’t want Carolyn to know. Could lead to divorce or something.

Results for Saturday, 30 May 2020
1st Mostyn Gregg(39) 2nd Dennis Ward(38) 3rd Peter Damou(36) 4th Craig Cameron(34) 4th Bill Eastoe(34) 5th Stefan Belevski(33) 5th Chris Priems(33)

Seniors Results: 1st Dennis Ward (38) 2nd Bill Eastoe (34) 2nd Craig Cameron (34) 3rd Chris Priems (33)

Nearest the Pin Results: ProPin15th Jackpot BallPin No 1 12th Andrew Blight BallPin No 2 18th Jackpot

Some got shirty for Stewie on 23 May 2020.

All the colours of the rainbow
Stewie would be proud!

This has been the wettest start to a year almost since Adam was a boy. And the last week has been no exception. A good soaking again on Wednesday and Thursday has the course as soggy as it has been for quite a long time. So much so that there is even water in the ponds and there were no carts allowed on the course. Unfortunately, this meant that Rodger was not able to join us for the final day of the Stuart Clarke Memorial but Rodger was surely honouring Stuart’s memory as we twenty seven members were. There was a fair collection of appropriate Hawaiian shirts on display although there were a few members offering the ‘lame’ excuse – I forgot. It wasn’t as if there weren’t enough reminders put about.

Bob is still on his L plates with his new-fangled buggy and, not only was the remote control giving problems, but also the variable traction on the wet slopes and hills added to his woes. Harry reckoned that the wheels were spinning on his hand pushed buggy coming up the hill at the 18th. Porks has his ball marked with the letters R.I.P. and that almost proved prophetic today as, at least twice, the ball was plugged so deeply as to be virtually invisible other than from a very specific line of sight. So, with the conditions, it might be expected that the scoring would be pretty average, particularly with this being only the second round back from a long break.

Rob and Matt and trophy
It only looks like we’re standing too close!

At first blush, it looked as if there were two really exceptional scores put together on the day. But, regardless of the score it was the total over the two days that counted in determining the trophy winner. MattA came home with a score of 40 points and the card included two non-scoring holes. This combined with his 36 points on the first round to give the winning total of 76 points. A truly excellent result for one of the Club’s newer members.

Now, it was announced that the yellow headed boy, Jake had done even better than Matt but, unfortunately, the size of the handicap and the effect of the hair dye on his mathematical abilities meant that the official count was really only 38. Still a pretty impressive result given the conditions. This meant that Jake dropped down a peg in the final result and allowed Pepsi to take the second spot on his own with his round of 35 today. Craig also played steady golf all day, barely deviating from the centre-line off the tee all day to produce a 35 pointer to claim fourth place overall.

Dennis and Targe put together the next best cards for the day with a pair of 32s. Unfortunately, Targe had a bit of a bad day in the first round and did not make the podium steps. Allan was a member of a fair posse of players on 31 points which was enough for him to share third with Dennis and Jake. MattH also managed a thirty-one which slotted him nicely into fifth place in the event. Brendon, Porks and JQ rounded out the better rounds of the day to fill the ‘close but no cigar’ category.

JQ might not have won himself a cigar, but he did win himself a couple of balls. He swears and declares that his ball on the 12th must have hit the poly-pipe filler in the hole not to have gone in and finish about a ‘bee’s dick’ past the hole. Pretty big bee, but just the same… He made the birdie and contributed to the nine that were tallied for the day. He wasn’t nearly so close on the 18th but nobody else was able to get closer. The ProPin was on the 15th and, although a few people got on the green, none were close enough to claim the cash. Somebody was within the 5 metres but, unfortunately, the ball was off the green. It was reported last week that Pepsi had scored himself an Eagle but, because it was a social round, there was no nest on offer. Not to be outdone, he repeated the effort today with a chip-in (pitch?) on the 6th for a handy 3 for another 4 pointer. But, wait, there’s more! Noodles also scored an Eagle on the 17th. However, as there was only one ball in the nest, the rules provide that the ball goes to the first on the course and so Pepsi got his solitary ball. Probably helped his eclectic a bit as well.

We also got a few matches out of the way today. Only one left to go in Round 1 and, although Round 2 does not officially start until June MM, if you know your opponent and want to play feel free to organise it. Just let GOATee marshal know. From June MM, if you are both present, you play. Pepsi was a bit perturbed at having to concede 24 strokes to Ken before the round started. Pepsi took an early lead and, although Ken made a few valiant efforts to peg him back, a couple of balls into the pond on the 17th sealed his fate and Pepsi took out the match 2 and 1. The margin of strokes given was exactly the same in the match of the hair-dos. Stef’s buzz-cut was no match for Jake’s bleach job and Jake was able to waltz it in 4 and 3. Brendon played Rob and Rob had something of a purple patch on the front nine to take the turn with a lead of three holes. Brendon found the patch of lavender on the back and on the 18th it looked as if, for all money, they would be repairing to the practice green for a chip-off. Then Rob missed a pretty easy putt to square the last and hand the match to Brendon 1 up.

Rob scored what seem to be the only draughties for the day although Jake was spotted playing one shot from not too far in front of the reds. Rob’s main complaint was that the pictures had appeared on WhatsApp before he even got to play his second shot. The lock-down has had all sorts of side-effects. The Beast had convinced himself that his makeshift practice net would have stood him in good stead. Today, reality kicked the door down. Porks has been playing virtual golf on the PS to keep his touch. The only problem – the playing wand is a lot lighter than a real club and he had difficulty adjusting for the extra weight. Noodles gave Bob some advice on putting during the round and then promptly started three putting which doesn’t really inspire confidence in his coaching ability (if there was any to start with). Ben couldn’t get the ball off the tee with much success but his second shots were crackers. One on the 8th disappeared into the trees over the fence by a very good margin only to miraculously reappear and land in the middle of the fairway. He did manage to stuff up the rest of the hole.

The Birthday Birdie has a couple of visits to make this week but, because of social distancing, he will not be able to venture too close. The wishes from afar will go to Targe and Stan.

Results for Saturday, 23 May 2020
1st Matthew Aforozis(36, 40, 76) 2nd Andrew Petricola(37, 35, 72) 3rd Dennis Ward(38, 32, 70) 3rd Jake Priems(32, 38, 70) 3rd Allan Davies(39, 31, 70) 4th Craig Cameron(34, 35, 69) 5th Matt Hunt(36, 31, 67)

Seniors Results: 1st Allan Davies (31,39,70) 1st Dennis Ward (38,32,70) 2nd Craig Cameron (34,35,69) 3rd Chris Priems (30,35,65) 3rd Gordon Hill (36,29,65)

Nearest the Pin Results: ProPin15th Jackpot BallPin No 1 12th John Quinlan BallPin No 2 18th John Quinlan

Eagle’s nest Results: Eagle 6th Andrew Petricola

There were glad tidings and sad tidings on 16 May 2020

Winter cometh.
Autumn leaves and morning dew.

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”
      He chortled in his joy.

That little snippet from Jabberwocky pretty much sums up the feeling among the Ivanhovians who gathered this morning. The weather

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
      Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:

But, as it had been eight weeks since there had been a club wielded in anger, the general feeling on the first tee can best be described

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
      The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood

But, although there was a general feeling of gladness that the long wait to return to the fray was over, there was also a cause for sadness as well. While we have all had our little grumbles about things like working from home, schooling the kids and no footy to go to, we must spare a thought for Whitey who had to go through the isolation nursing the knowledge that his wife had passed away after a long struggle with cancer. To make matters worse, the restrictions have meant that there has been no funeral or other memorial to help with the easing of grief. Whitey is particularly thankful that now, at least, he can get out and socialise with his mates, even if he still has to keep his social distance. The Committee and members understand your pain Whitey and if you ever feel the need for a chat, any and all are only a phone call away.

Well, the social round was intended to get some of the kinks straightened out before we get back into the serious business of playing for points. And did we succeed? We certainly did. Well, some did. Damo took it easy on the first couple of holes but he soon cast off his inhibitions and managed to put together a pretty fancy front nine of 19 points. With his dander right up, he then took to the back nine with more than a little gusto to gather 21 points and a ball busting total of 40 for the round. Gordo also meant business today although he did manage to sneak in a practice round on Thursday so he wasn’t exactly cold, other than in a physical sense. He matched Damo on the front nine but slipped a bit on the back to come in with a mere 37 points. Think of it as an early birthday present Gordo. The Birthday Birdie apologises to those members missed during the lockdown.

Brent turned up today and was not feeling at all confident of how things were going to go but he half reluctantly agreed to take on Noodles in their matchplay round. Perhaps it was the prospect of giving Noodles a beating that inspired him, but he managed to play to his handicap for a nice little 36 points. In the early stages, the match looked to be a bit nip and tuck until a couple of wins let Brent get his nose in front. A string of squares held the line for a while until Noods found a little run of form (or Brent a run of out of form) and brought the match to square. Brent’s birdie on the 17th got his nose back in front and he held on to take the match one up. Hardly a beating but any win is good.

What can you say about Pepsi. In an Irish sort of way he struggled on the front nine and at the cross-over he repaired to the clubhouse and came to the 10th strolling casually and munching on a pie. Not sure what he did in the Clubhouse other than buy the pie and relieve himself of some unnecessary weight but, with a different ball on the tee, he set about dismantling the back nine by scoring as many points in the first four holes as he did on the whole front nine. He scored three four pointers with Eagle on the 11th, birdie on the 13th and birdie on the 16th to finish the nine three under par (having been four under at one stage) for 23 points and a mere fourth place with 35 points. Noodles rounded out those who would have collected points, if there had been any, with his tally of 34 points.

It must be mentioned that there was a second Eagle scored today and that was by Jake on the 17th, which must have been a real highlight of an otherwise ordinary round. So much so that his hair turned a ghastly shade of yellow as a result. There were a few ‘looking good’ but ‘not quite’ shots today. JQ left his tee shot about 0.5m short of the hole on the 12th to take out the BallPin there. Harry’s shot on the 15th was, maybe, a bit over a metre short and the lack of a marker in sight raised hopes of a dividend. Unfortunately, Craig had already made it to 0.9m to take out the dosh for the ProPin. He didn’t get the birdie but, then again, neither did Harry. Harry had another go on the 18th but was foiled by Whitey, who managed to get on the green by about 50mm but closer to the pin to get the second BallPin on offer.

The ducks have obviously gotten used to having the course to themselves. Pepsi let his buggy run down the hill on the 10th, as is his wont, and, so unperturbed were the gaggle of ducks at the foot of the hill that one of them very nearly got itself mowed down. Also, should mention that Pepsi and Dale racked up a couple of milestones today. Pepsi has put together a pretty impressive total of 600 rounds with the Club while Dale is a little along the way by bringing up his ton.

Bob on his L's
One of these days I’ll get the hang of this.

Some people did have their share of problems today. MatthewO managed the only reported draughtie by dint of a spectacular mishit on the third tee. Brent’s efforts to hand the matchplay round to Noodles were helped along by a couple of OOBs on the 14th. One was a spectacular duck hook that disappeared into the no man’s land on the left of the path. Bob had all sorts of trouble with the controls of his electric buggy and it kept leading him into the trees and bushes. His playing companions were terribly concerned that he should ever get anywhere near water. Bob is hoping to graduate from his Ls to his Ps sometime soon.

Gordon shows off his bucket
My bucket’s flasher than your bucket!

Chrispy had brought along a banana to provide a little sustenance during the round and he had carefully placed it on the buggy as it was parked by the tee. Being a little forgetful, he headed down the hill without a thought for his precious banana. The banana slipped off the buggy onto the path and Chrispy planted his great splaw foot on it and went close to going base over apex down the hill. Fortunately, the ankle was not injured.

Damo decided to rest his weary feet and sat down on the wall outside the clubhouse only to find that it was still wet with dew and he had what you might call a wet arse. SOS has made it back from his hip replacement without losing any ground in the Championship race. The way he was hitting the ball at times today you would have to suspect that they did a swing replacement as well.

With no sand buckets available for sharing, the course policy is that you bring your own or you can buy one to keep for a mere two dollars. Gordon was too tight to do the latter so he raided the grand-kids toy box to come up with what was probably the flashiest sand bucket on the course. Please think about bringing your own or the course will soon be a field of craters. Maybe we could compete to bring lairy buckets to go with our lairy shirts that we traditionally wear for the final round of the Stuart Clarke which is scheduled for next week. Don’t forget. And don’t forget that you now have to register through the event register form on the website, preferably by 20:00 on Wednesday and certainly no later than Thursday afternoon so that the groups and tee times can be settled and notified. No register, no play. Unfortunately, there will not be a barbecue afterwards. But we might manage to sneak in a presentation, with appropriate social distancing, of course.

Results for Saturday, 16 May 2020
1st Damien Lee (40) 2 balls 2nd Gordon Hill (37) 1 ball 3rd Brent Rowley (36) 1 ball 4th Andrew Petricola (35) 1 ball 5th Stephen Butterfield (34) No balls

Nearest the Pin Results: ProPin 15th Craig Cameron BallPin No 1 12th John Quinlan BallPin No 2 18th Rod White

Eagle’s nest Results: Eagle 11th Andrew Petricola Eagle 17th Jake Priems

Results for Saturday, 21 March 2020
Leaderboard Round 1: 1st Andrew Blight(39) 1st Allan Davies(39) 2nd Ben Akdag(38) 2nd Dennis Ward(38) 3rd Enzo Cirone(37) 3rd Daniel O’Rourke(37) 3rd Andrew Petricola(37) 4th Matthew Aforozis(36) 4th Gordon Hill(36) 4th Matt Hunt(36) 5th Bill Eastoe(35) 5th Chris Priems(35) 5th Dale Webb(35)

Seniors Leaderboard: 1st Allan Davies (39) 1st Andrew Blight (39) 2nd Dennis Ward (38) 3rd Enzo Cirone (37)