And if I had room for a longer heading I would have added “And CJ has balls, takes the Maccas”.

15 players, 10 birdies and 9 awards this week.

Most innovative course management strategy: Last week Raj was scheduled in Group 1, turned up on time, hit his first drive into Charlie’s Bush and played miserably all day thereafter.

This week Raj was scheduled in Group 1, so obviously a different strategy was required – sleep in (allegedly), miss tee time, create chaos with the groups, then wander in late, slot into the last group and have a nice quiet casual walk collecting 40 stableford points and first place points.

Best laugh of the week: Peps on the 12th. Peps who had 38 points for second, which included the world’s longest ever run on a 3 wood (second shot into the 6th which bounced about 100 metres out and ran all the way onto the green) could not stop giggling on the 12th watching Porks (5 putts and counting) and Targe – who was in good form after a trip to Numurkah – manage the hole placement there. Any putt from above the hole broke about 90 degrees left and was tricky. Ditto on the 13th where Michael and Nalin missed from about 18 inches.

We could whinge but we won’t award: Michael and Nalin interrupted their normal pre-game warm up to go in Group 1 after the Raj no show, joining Steve. They were told with confidence by CJ (Group 3) that the “Preferred lies” board wasn’t out so no preferred lies. Steve, playing with a very crook back, had some stinking lies over first five holes. Apparently just as Group 3 was about to hit off, the pro-shop remembered to put out the “Preferred lies” board. This got communicated to groups who had missed the memo eventually (the 6th hole in the case of Group 1). Between his dodgy back and lies, Steve G did well to score 34 points. As did Nalin, who played much better than his 34 points suggests and – watch this space – you heard it here first – he will do some serious winning before the year is out.

Best shot of the day: Normally Peps 3 wood on the 6th would have won. Or Porks chip-in on the 8th with a skinny chip that was heading into the Yarra before it somehow hit the pin and dropped in. But today of course was all about the CJ 8 iron into the 9th. How far can CJ hit an 8 iron? Well depending on which version you heard of his eagle on the 9th, he can hit his 8 iron a bit further than Rory McIlroy. But whatever the actual distance, Brendon declared “that’s going to be close” when CJ hit it and then they discovered it was more than close, somehow wedged against the pin from the back. How did it get there? Anyway, it was the Eagles Nest prize for CJ which under new club rules can be taken in balls (7) or cash. CJ took the cash saying he would treat the grandkids to Maccas.

Quote of the week: Now be it the 9th today or other times, CJ has been known to occasionally wax lyrical about what he has done or is about to do with a golf shot. Lining up a putt on the 14th, he was giving some detailed descriptions of the likely trajectory his ball would take after his gifted hands guided the putter to connect with the ball. One of his playing partners was moved to offer the following advice “Just hit the bloody thing”. No prizes for guessing who. Hint: Check “Play Your Age” in the Honour Boards section of the website.

Loudest Tantrum: Michael after a second shot duff into the 16th who allegedly scared one of our members going in the other direction playing the 14th from the 16th fairway. The Environment Protection Authority (EPA) were on site later with their noise pollution measuring equipment and have issued Michael with a “get your act together notice”. Michael’s defence was that he cried quietly rather than screamed after 3 putting the 17th from 15 feet.

David Attenborough Award: Peps and the crow that took his smokes out of his bag and had a peck but couldn’t get the lighter going. Porks losing a bag of snakes, with the same crow the chief suspect. Porks one bite into a pie on the 10th got swooped by a magpie who whacked him on the head and took the pie out in the process. One dead pie splattered over the path.

Duddest whole of group effort: None of 15 players could hit the 18th green. Tee was forward, pin on lower tier. Jackpot NTP there. Raj won the NTP ball on the 4th and Peps snuck in under the 5 metre limit (4.88) for the money on the 15th.

Footy finals supporters psychology award: Good to see Bobby Mc up and about. Bloody Collingwood supporters, they seem to be everywhere again this September. Does the club include anybody who barracks for the Lions, Geelong or Hawthorn. Please may one of those three beat Collingwood this week or next by a point or so with a kick after the siren.

Results for Saturday, 13 Sep 2025
1st Rajesh Mahto (40) 2nd Andrew Petricola (38) 3rd Craig Cameron (34) 3rd Steven Gervasoni (34) 3rd Chris Priems (34) 3rd Nalin Samaranayake (34) 4th Targe Mifsud (32) 4th Ryan Porker (32) 5th Michael Gourlay (31) 5th Bob McDonald (31) 5th Andrew Vogan (31)

Seniors Results: 1st Craig Cameron (34) 1st Steven Gervasoni (34) 1st Chris Priems (34) 2nd Targe Mifsud (32) 3rd Michael Gourlay (31) 3rd Bob McDonald (31) 3rd Andrew Vogan (31)

Nearest the Pin Results: ProPin – 15th Andrew Petricola BallPin No 1 – 4th Rajesh Mahto BallPin No 2 – 18th Jackpot

Eagle’s Nest Results: Eagle – 9th Chris Priems

I reckon we have to get Charlie back from London, we need somebody who can beat Porks. Nalin came close today, ditto JQ, but it was a case of Porks Supreme again this week (read last week’s blog too if you missed it).

Today’s stories.

Group 1: Raj, allegedly for the first time ever, hit his opening tee shot on the 1^st into Charlie’s bush and it didn’t get much better from there (Net 75). Matt (Net 71 and 5^th placed points) missed about 8 million putts by a whisker. He’s the first ever golfer to come off the course saying he left a few out there. Gordo went home early, no information other than great back 9 after not-so-great front (Net 72).

Group 2: Steady Stan was at it again (Net 70 and 4^th placed points). Missed a few very gettable putts too, becoming the second ever golfer to come off the course saying he left a few out there. Dan birdied the 1^st and we all know what that means, disaster awaits for the rest of the round, on this occasion including an 8 on the 2^nd on the way to Net 81. Craig couldn’t back up from last week and had what he called a very ordinary day (Net 77).

Group 3 was the 3 beers group, including the rare feat of 2 beers by the same player on the same hole. Steve G was still standing behind the ladies as he hit his third shot on the 2^nd and did well to keep the damage to an 8. He then added a third beer with his drive on the 3^rd and his playing partners were already booking a taxi home, thinking a six pack was a chance by the end of the day. But Steve kept his beer slate clean from there on, equalling Dan in the NAGA chase with Net 81.

Andrew V in Group 3 had trouble remembering it wasn’t blue tee markers today and paid the price with a two-shot penalty for hitting off the blues on the 10^th on his way to Net 73 (the penalty costing him a share of 5^th placed points). For the other player in Group 3, see more below, unless you are sick of reading about him winning.

Group 4 had a stoush with the Burnley boys who failed to yell fore after a wayward tee shot on the 10^th and narrowly missed hitting Nalin on the head as he walked down the 13^th. Nalin kept his head and posted a Net 67 for second placed points. A birdie on the 11^th was a highlight, along with a majestic 8 iron to 1.67 metres on the 18^th (from the back left tee behind the tree) to collect the NTP ball there. Wazza had a shocker that included 5 putts on the 2^nd but comfortably avoided NAGA honours with a Net 80.

The other bloke in Group 4 is renowned for shenanigans on the 17^th once having a 13 there after dumping ball after ball in the lake and then following it up with a hole-in-one on the 18^th. Today SoS managed an 11 on the 17^th with a Porks twist. Having asked the group ahead on the 18^th tee if they knew whether his drive got over the lake, Porks gave an answer that led SoS to believe it had gone in. He then took a penalty, dumped 3 shots in the lake before the next one got over the lake and bumped into a random ball next to the green. And …. you guessed it, the random ball was SoS’s original drive! SoS signed for an 11 and after no hole-in-one on the 18^th a Net 82 and suggested Porks had robbed him of a certain eagle if he had been able to play his original ball.

Group 5: Marc rocked in with a smile on his face, the wry version and knocked off SoS to collect the NAGA with Net 84, including a 6 putt 10 on the 10^th. CJ backed up last week’s 9 down with the equivalent of 12 down this week (Net 80). He was however happy to pocket the cash for the NTP Pro-pin on the 12^th (4.4 metres).

JQ enjoyed the fine weather and had an impressive Net 68 for third place points. He drove the ball well all day long, including on the 6^th where it was reported that his playing partners didn’t see him smash it down the middle as they were focussed on a couple of very shapely distractions of the fairer sex jogging along the road behind. The joggers seemed to enjoy the attention and tickled JQ’s fancy by saying “great shot” as they trotted off into the distance. Apparently, there was a delay until the joggers were out of sight before the rest of the group felt calm enough to hit their tee shots.

JQ had a brilliant chip-in on the 3^rd and missed quite a few gettable birdie putts and yeah, you guessed it, he was another who said he left a few out there.

Prez Priems hacking his way down 10^th enjoyed the sledge from Matt on the 13^th as they crossed paths. “How’s it going” asked Prez to which Matt replied, “Let’s just say I have got you covered.” Prez promptly birdied the 11^th, added another birdie on the 17^th and let’s just say, with a Net 70 and 4^th placed points, if you check the scores ….. just quietly (“make sure you put this in the blog please Michael, as I think you’ll find I have got Matt covered”).

So to Porks ….. how does a bloke playing off a four handicap have a double bogey on the 1^st, a triple bogey on the 8^th, bogey the last and shoot 70 off the stick for a Net 66. He had 5 birdies, including one on the 7^th where he picked up the NTP ball, knocking off Dan. He also said he left a few out there (this is becoming a theme) with quite a few other chances for birdies not quite dropping.

Apart from the 1^st and 8^th holes Porks indicated it was the best round he had ever played. He is having some year. The world record for total championship points is there for the taking (remind me again what the world record is Harry). Having shot past the 100 points last week after his Match Play win he now has 150 in his sights. Last year’s winner managed 149.

Going back further into club history, CJ is comparing Porks with the famous David Primrose who won three championships in a row from 1999-2001. The headline for today probably should have been “Porks the new Primose”.

Meanwhile another question for you Harry. Most birdies in a round measured by average birdies per player. Today the field of 16 had 15 birdies. Average 0.9375 birdies per player. Is this a record? And if Porks hadn’t gone with fake news for SoS on the 17^th we might have got the perfect 16 for 16! And if all those near miss birdie putts went in ……

Results for Saturday, 06 Sep 2025
1st Ryan Porker (66) 2nd Nalin Samaranayake (67) 3rd John Quinlan (68) 4th Stan Blackshaw (70) 4th Robert Priems (70) 5th Matt Hunt (71)

Seniors Results: 1st Stan Blackshaw (70) 1st Robert Priems (70) 2nd Matt Hunt (71) 3rd Gordon Hill (72)

Nearest the Pin Results: ProPin – 12th Chris Priems BallPin No 1 – 7th Ryan Porker BallPin No 2 – 18th Nalin Samaranayake

Leaving aside for the moment, other possible headline acts:

The week’s Par comp winner (Craig 3 up including birdies on 17 and 18).

Second placegetter Steve G (2 up after being 3 down with 8 to go – 5 up in his last 8 holes including a $32 NTP Pro-pin on the 15th).

“New reliable” Stan on the podium again with a square card (and the NTP ball on the 18th)

Beast’s love life with the new GF still all smiles (and the NTP ball on the 12th where him and his playing partners all hit it close).

CJ a solid NAGA with minus 9 (after a plus on the last to avoid double figures).

Johnny Q confirming he is the club’s biggest weather wuss with a weather related no show.

This week was all about the Match Play final between Porks and Marc.

In mostly good weather save for a healthy wind and being a bit variable between a shower and then sun and then another shower and then more sun, Marc started a bit erratically, e.g. drive on the first out right near the 13th fairway and drive on the third went left to near the 7th green.

He was soon 3 down after 5 and it could have been 5 down. He lost holes 1, 3, 4 and 5 and looked like losing the 2nd until a two shot swing where he made a putt from 10 feet and Porks missed a tiddler.

The comeback was soon on with Marc winning the 7th and 8th, but losing the 9th to turn 2 down. The 10th and 11th were halved and then Marc played the shot of the day on the 12th, a pitch from high on the hill at the back of the 12th to a foot for a tap in par to get the match back within one. Game on!

A few nerves might have crept in at this point because playing partners Michael and SoS had time to put the kettle on and have a picnic while they watched Marc and Porks hack their way down the 13th. Marc’s drive went into the hazard on the right but with no water in it he hacked it out ok back onto the fairway. After an ordinary drive down the left, Porks then duffed his second shot into the hazard on the left and took a penalty drop and reloaded. This time it was a good shot onto the green and after two putts he signed for a six. Mark meanwhile had some trouble around the green and signed for an eight, gifting Porks the hole and a 2up lead.

On 14 Porks made a great sliding putt for a birdie and then Marc, from closer in, missed his par putt. Porks 3up and seemingly cruising. He then hacked his way down the 15th for a double bogey five, but Marc took six and the hole was halved. Porks then closed it out 4 and 2 with a solid par on the 16th.

It was noted that Porks won by 4 and the previous week Porks as handicapper lopped 5 strokes off Marc’s handicap after it had gone down by 2 the previous week. Marc however was very gracious in defeat and is pleased to see his handicap coming down.

The 16 championship points for the Match Play win takes Porks over the century to 105 points for the season and a healthy 34 point lead over second placed Craig with 71 points and Steve G in third with 69. Meanwhile Craig has snuck away to a handy lead in the Seniors Championship, with Steve and Harry battling to keep up.

Results for Saturday, 30 Aug 2025
1st Craig Cameron (+3) 2nd Steven Gervasoni (+2) 3rd Stan Blackshaw (□) 3rd Ryan Porker (□) 4th Michael Gourlay (-1) 4th Gordon Hill (-1) 4th Stephen O’Sullivan (-1) 5th Andrew Vogan (-2)

Seniors Results: 1st Craig Cameron (+3) 2nd Steven Gervasoni (+2) 3rd Stan Blackshaw (□)

Nearest the Pin Results: ProPin – 15th Steven Gervasoni BallPin No 1 – 12th Bill Eastoe BallPin No 2 – 18th Stan Blackshaw

Match Play Final: Porks the winner 4 and 2 over Marc