Could it have been the loot on offer that brought out the masses today? The choice of footy matches is starting to get a bit thin on the ground, although a couple of Hunts and a Priems had to dash off to a local Grand Final, but not until after they had savoured the shout that Josh had to make after he failed to make it to the red markers on the second (and the tee wasn’t even back on the wall!). With fourteen others making up the field, seventeen members (plus one) was as good a number as we have seen for a little while. The course has pretty well dried out, although the ground staff have been doing their best to maintain the mud by giving the sprinklers a right royal work-out. This was particularly noticeable around and on the greens, with some of the early starters having to take relief from the casual water that persisted on a couple of them. The first third of the 14th is still pretty soft, and a high launched ball was perfectly able to bury itself well below the full depth of the ball, necessitating the use of a prise to extricate it. Just ask Harry! On the other hand, some of the tee boxes were pretty hard, although it wasn’t yet in hammer territory. The weather was fine and warm, which prompted a few (tongue in cheek) comments about the severity of the heat and humidity. Some of the roughs were a bit furry, which could make it difficult to spot the ball until you were right upon it.

As well as finishing off his free beer, Matt was very keen to make sure that his card was submitted and was not left to blow away in the breeze or get stolen by a passing raven. He was also very keen to point out the number of scores that were circled on his card. Not because he thought they were all going to count for his eclectic, but because there were five birdies, which represented a fair proportion of the 12 that we managed to score for the day, This certainly helped to produce the total of 72 strokes off the stick, and a plus two of what counted. The score might well have been better after he knocked away a putt on the 12th, that he deemed to be bound to miss, just as it started to turn sharply towards the hole. Despite his fears about keeping the lead, this total was not beaten, but it was equalled. Ken indicated that he managed to keep the ball on the fairway today, and that helped immeasurably with the opportunities for scoring. In fact, there were only three minus results on the card. It seems that he did get some help in staying on the straight and narrow. The drive on the 16th was deemed to be headed for the children’s playground, but, in what was deemed to be an interminably long time, the ball was miraculously ejected back onto the fairway. Presumably the golf gods and not a passerby!

In second place, we find none other than Prez, aka Rob. It seems that Rob might have been taking some hints from the Magpies. In the first half, he was missing shots at goal from 3m out right in front of the posts. But, at half-time, the coach obviously said all of the right things, and a three point deficit was turned completely around onto a one point surplus, and he snagged second place with a well-placed putt for plus right on the siren. The five players, who tied it up for third place with square cards, all had options to have done better. Harry took five holes to warm up and score a non-negative result, and, later, a couple of ill-founded club selections probably cost as well. Michael was particularly rueful about having made it to the 13th green, about 4.5m from the pin, then taking four putts to finish it off. There was a suggestion that Josh had some ‘trouble’ with trees, but the result usually ended up favourable. He’s been taking lessons from the Priems boys, it seems. Raj played a very even round, but he was heard to mutter under his breath a few times, when his usual impeccable chipping did not quite come off. SOS was pretty pleased with himself as he strolled from the 9th green to the 10th tee. With three points on the positive side of the ledger, there was a thought that he might be in with a chance. Not to be, and he had to settle for a square card as well.

ChrisJ was moderately pleased with how he was going as he completed the front nine. Unfortunately, things turned a bit ugly on the back, and six gashes turned his plus 2 into a minus 2, which left him in fourth place. However, he was not alone. Brendon reckons his round was a feat of endurance after he ‘went in the hocks’ at some stage, and had to ‘limp’ his way home. Nothing went particularly right for Porks, nor did it go particularly wrong, so he was pretty happy to get his share of fourth spot. Peter has been away doing ‘other things’ for a while, so maybe he was feeling a little rusty on it. After putting his second into the penalty area on the 13th, and faced with a shot over the trees to the green from the penalty, he opted to pick up for the sake of speed of play (and his own sanity, perhaps). For some reason, this seemed to upset Michael. Stan didn’t quite celebrate his 100th game with us in style, but he was able to get a point with his score of minus 3 for fifth place. Steve seemed particularly upset because he lost his ‘favourite’ ball from the 14th tee. It was deemed to have been somewhere on the 16th fairway, but it could not be found, leading Steve to declare that some ‘Hunt’ must have picked it up. CJ is the proud owner of a new set of wheels, and he was bragging about how it couldn’t be capsized because of the four wheels. What did he do but capsize the darn thing as he headed off down from the first tee. Before the round, he was getting all sorts of operating instruction, even from that well known expert, Bobbie.

There were Jackpots galore on offer today. The BallPin on the 4th continued to look to be difficult, with the sun shining right in the eyes and making ball spotting less than easy. SOS didn’t need to worry, because his ball finished on the green, and it was close enough to beat any other contenders, and he awarded himself the two balls on offer. Not sure what he plans to do with them, as he reckons he never plays with new balls because he loses them. The balls on the 18th went to Matt, who claimed that he thought he had scored a HIO, and it was easy to see why with the marker less than half a metre past the hole. Matt was almost on a bit of a roll with his name on the card for the ProPin on the 15th showing a shot to 3.7m. Unfortunately, that was not close enough, and Ken’s shot to 2.95m won him enough shrapnel to shout the better half to dinner. Not sure what Ken is going to eat, though.

Charlie joined us again today to put in his second card, and the comments suggest that there is some talent there, except for a bit of a slice, and a tendency to flirt with the ladies. CJ and Adam were fairly hanging out to wrap themselves around a cold and frothy, but to no avail. Maybe it was the incipient thirst, but Adam started out going gang-busters and after six holes, he was three up. But then the con-rod threw a big-end that knocked a hole in the sump. CJ reckons that his buggy was losing traction, there was so much Valvoline spread around the course. Courtesy dictates that we don’t reveal the final score. We all know that Bob is pretty tough on himself. On the 15th tee, he managed to hit the big ball at least 300mm behind the little ball, and the club passed over without making contact. When tallying his score, he started counting at three because – isn’t there a penalty for an air-swing? Only to your ego, Bob! Brendon, despite his injury, went close to a slam-dunk shot on the 16th, although it wasn’t specified how many for. A par suggests either a missed putt, or it was only for a birdie.

Finally, a big shout-out from the Birthday Birdie to Allan Davies and Dale Webb who both have reason to get out and party this week. Have a good one, guys!

Results for Saturday, 16 Sep 2023
1st Matt Hunt (+2) 1st Ken Watson (+2) 2nd Robert Priems (+1) 3rd Harry Boughen (□) 3rd Michael Gourlay (□) 3rd Josh Hunt (□) 3rd Rajesh Mahto (□) 3rd Stephen O’Sullivan (□) 4th Chris James (-2) 4th Brendon Mitchell (-2) 4th Ryan Porker (-2) 4th Peter Sein (-2) 5th Stan Blackshaw (-3) 5th Steven Gervasoni (-3) 5th Chris Priems (-3)

Seniors Results: 1st Ken Watson (+2) 2nd Harry Boughen (□) 2nd Michael Gourlay (□) 3rd Peter Sein (-2)

Nearest the Pin Results: ProPin – 15th Ken Watson BallPin No 1 – 4th Stephen O’Sullivan BallPin No 2 – 18th Matt Hunt

I lay tar down, I rip it up again,
You are never going to lose that frown.
I lay tar down, I rip it up again,
One day I'll have to put it all back down.
etc, etc.....
with apologies to Chumbawumba.

For those members that haven’t visited the ‘Hoe in a while, today was a good time to stand around and have a good guess at what the heck is happening in the carpark. At the moment, it looks a bit like a cross between a cattle-crush, a lab-rat maze and a chess board, with a bit of labyrinth thrown in. There would seem to be some chance that once you get in, there might be a fair chance that you will never get out again. However, assurances have been made that the situation will be much improved when the work is finished, even though there will be fewer parking spots available. But, at least, there will be no nasty run-off to pollute the environment. Once they were able to snap their jaws back shut, twelve full members welcomed new boy Charlie and Jonathan’s three mates Nick, David and John to the first tee to start the day’s proceedings. The forecast promised little in the way of rain, and that proved to be the case. The gale force winds had also abated, and, once the sun had cleared a bank of clouds to the north, the scattered clouds allowed the sun to shine through on occasions, making for a pretty good day for a round of golf.

It has been a little while since ChrisJ graced us with his presence, and, if recollection serves, he had been having a bit of a rough time of it. It wasn’t revealed just what he has been up to during his absence, but you would have to wonder whether he has been practising and/or having lessons because, other than one gash and one singleton, his card was virtually unblemished, and he pretty much streeted the field with his tally of 38 points, and he was the only one in the field to better his handicap. Despite this performance, reports have it that his playing group had their tongues hanging out on the 7th where his drive hit a tree full square, and headed back towards whence it had come. No such luck, and tongues back in. However, on the 8th, he repeated the performance, and got the tree flush enough that the ball did make the extra distance back past the reds, and constituting one of the draughties scored for the day.

Blighty is doing a bit of a Collingwood by making a come-back in the second half. The front nine only had three different results, gash, singleton and three pointer (although he did try to crib an extra point on one hole). The back nine was a completely different story, and nineteen points (despite another gash) brought his total to 32 for the round, and an easy second place. So inspired by his form on the back, Blighty was overheard giving lessons on swing technique to anybody who would listen. Steve managed to put together a very balanced round with fifteen points in either half, and he was suitably surprised to discover that he had managed to come third with his tally of 30 points. He pretty much missed the announcement and the associated applause because he was off retrieving a club cover that he had lost along the way.

Just a single point further afield was Adam, who seemed to have a modicum of trouble with a swag of the par fours. There could also be a bit of a hang-over from the haircut that his handicap took a couple of weeks back. Still, twenty-nine points to get a couple of points, pretty much anybody would take with alacrity. And, finally, we find Raj, Brendon and Pepsi filling out the last spot on the podium with their total of twenty-eight points apiece. When quizzed, Raj did not sound too happy about his game, but he was happy enough to accept the point to maintain his lead over Brendon in the Championship race. Brendon might have been able to have closed the gap a little if it hadn’t been for the appearance of something of a power draw from the tee, and a propensity to miss putts by fairly narrow margins. There was some concern about the colour ball that Pepsi was playing with when the word ‘blue’ came into the conversation. As a point of clarification, it wasn’t the extreme cold that prompted the remark.

The first BallPin was set on the 4th hole, which has a bit of a reputation because of the positioning of trees and OOB markers. It wasn’t clear just who, but a couple of members of Jonathan’s group finished just off the green proper. Brendon hit one straight at the pin and Harry called it ‘in’, but the group in front reported it just barely missed, and it rolled on the finish just off the back. That was it for the day, so there will be a Jackpot BallPin on the 4th next week. The ProPin on the 15th proved to be elusive once more, although ChrisJ did claim that he was 5.1m away, but that was an estimate only. A Double Jackpot is starting to look attractive for all the money-hungry types out there. And, as for the BallPin on the 18th, it seems that somebody ‘nicked’ our highly valuable, container, marker, postit pad and pencil, between it being put out before tee time and the first group arriving at the green. Although there were some unverified claims of finishing on the green, it was deemed that this hole would also jackpot to next week.

Gordon turned up with a new (second-hand) driver that he bought during the week and blooded today. Keenly watched from the first, the ball finished on or about the tree-line on the right. Reviews were mixed, with the suggestion that the 12 degree loft did result in a slightly higher launch angle, but it might take a couple of rounds up at Nurmurkah to iron out the wrinkles. Watch out when he gets back with us in a couple of weeks. The club did come with a rather disturbing head cover that needs to be seen rather than described. It seems that putting provided some challenges today, with numerous responses to requests for comment having the general gist of ‘don’t talk to me about putting’. Rob did the ‘right’ thing on the 15th, complimenting people on their drives. He then proceeded to chunk his about 5 metres, leaving it well short of the red markers, occasioning the customary shout.. Charlie submitted his first card today, and, although he did not get off to a great start on the first, there were several glimpses during the round that suggests, that, once he plays regularly, there is some potential there to perform. Welcome to the Club, Charlie. Stan was also back today after spending some time avoiding the Ivanhoe mud and working on his Castlemaine ‘ranch’ Stan has a big event coming up next time he plays when he will hit 100 games with the Club.

Results for Saturday, 09 Sep 2023
1st Chris James (38) 2nd Andrew Blight (32) 3rd Steven Gervasoni (30) 4th Adam King (29) 5th Rajesh Mahto (28) 5th Brendon Mitchell (28) 5th Andrew Petricola (28)

Seniors Results: 1st Andrew Blight (32) 2nd Steven Gervasoni (30) 3rd Harry Boughen (27)

Nearest the Pin Results: ProPin – 15th Jackpot BallPin No 1 – 4th Jackpot BallPin No 2 – 18th Jackpot

There was a fair chance that Jack Frost had been tip-toeing around parts of Melbourne this morning, but, although it was fairly brisk to start off with, there was little evidence of his work on the ground at Ivanhoe. SOS was well equipped with hand-warmers, and Matt was seriously wondering about the wisdom of wearing shorts, but they and ten other intrepid members wrapped their frozen fingers around their club grips and headed off to do their best while trying desperately to avoid their worst. As the morning progressed, the temperature rose, and very soon the field was virtually basking in a beautiful spring-like day as the layers were stripped off, and the hands thawed out. With the tees at the back and the grass off the fairways needing a cut, the going turned out to be pretty tough, although some sections of the course were handled better than others.

Raj started out setting a steady pace with a series of bogies before cracking a par, and a smile, on the 5th. A repeat performance on the 6th had him grinning from ear to ear. In the end, he finished the nine having taken 41 off the stick, well below the half-way point of his handicap. The handicapper did comment that Raj was being watched, which might have put the frights into him a bit. The back nine was no disaster, but it did suffer due to a few missed putts and some chips that did not quite live up to his usual standard. In the end, he used up a couple more than his handicap, and was not overly confident of his chances of even getting a place in the race. As it turned out, his net 70 was more than enough to take the day, and to cement his place at the top of the Championship Table. Not quite Red Rover yet, but you could well be forgiven for thinking that was the case.

Occasionally, somebody turns up to play, and can sit at the table waiting for the field to come in, thinking that a clubhouse lead has been known to hold. And that was the case right up until Raj came in and took the cake. CJ had been negotiating with the Captain for a new rule, that you shouldn’t be penalised for winning with a net score of 73, but that turned out to be entirely unnecessary. Chris didn’t necessarily do anything particularly wrong, and it was the lone fat lady on the 13th that probably robbed him of at least a tie for first, and he would have won the count-back easily.

CJ was also persistently making the point that he was playing with a couple of ‘Hunts’, and maybe that put a little flea in Matt’s ear, that caused him to report a fat lady as well. This was compensated a little by his birdie on the 15th, which was one of just three that we managed for the day. This helped him to a significant improvement on the back compared to the front, and he was able to drag himself home with a bottom line of 75 to take out 3rd place. He did complain that it was pretty tough going as he had to push his flash electric buggy for the whole round. It seems that, at a recent round, on another course, the beast reared and bolted, and finished up submerged in an adjacent pond. Despite Matt’s best efforts at CPR and EAR, it looks as if the condition might be terminal, although there have been brief hints of life in the beast on occasions, although Matt did not sound too hopeful for a full recovery.

Adam just didn’t seem to be able to make a go of it, although his nine hole tallies were pretty much equal. He was fairly sanguine about getting a couple of points for his net score of 79, which might have compensated a little for the draughtie that he took on the 12th. SOS was enthusiastically urging the ball to stop, which raised some admiration in Targe, who thought it was in an effort to prevent the ball finishing in the hazard, rather than to prevent it reaching the red markers in actuality. Gordon has been complaining, for a long time, about his handicap following his purple patch a while back. Today, he was pretty pleased with the way that he was going with a couple of birdies under his belt. Then he stepped onto the 13th tee. Between there and the 15th green, he had used almost all of his handicap again, and was only able to finish with a net score of 80, to come in at 5th place. He wasn’t alone on that step of the podium after Rob raised his bat for a neat 100 off the stick, to bring home 80 net as well.

The first BallPin was on the 7th, and it was a tough one from the black tees. SOS was pretty pleased with his tee shot, having recently gotten a big load off his mind, thanks to a quick sprint over to the oval facilities after the 5th. It is not clear whether the middle finger salute drawn on the card was to indicate what had saved the day on the 5th! There was a fair bit of squinting required to be sure that the ball was actually on the green, but there was sufficient cut grass visible for him to be awarded the ball on offer. The ProPin was on the 15th, and it seems that the pin was surrounded by a number of people who could just not quite stretch the tape far enough to get within the 5m required. So, there will be a Jackpot on offer for the ProPin on the 15th, next week. For most of the day, it looked as if there would be a Jackpot for the BallPin on the 18th. That is until Harry came along and cracked a beauty that finished on the dance-floor, and took out the pill on offer.

Bob probably reckoned he had walked on a chinaman’s grave when nothing seemed to be going right at all. A flat on the back shot on the 2nd, a ‘double draughtie’ on the 3rd, a dead-centre hit on the skinniest tree for miles around on the 5th, the list went on and on. Bob’s only consolation was that his electric buggy seemed to be working properly at long last. Targe also didn’t have a great day, and that also included a draughtie. He was also spotted taking a ‘short cut’ down from the 15th tee, and took a bit of a slip in the process. Tch, tch Targe, the path is there for a good reason. Just ask Gordo!

After a bit of a break, the Birthday Birdie has had to warm up his wings to get ready for the rounds this week to deliver best wishes to Matt, Charlie and Blighty. Let’s hope you all feel barely a day older after the event!

Results for Saturday, 02 Sep 2023
1st Rajesh Mahto (70) 2nd Chris Priems (73) 3rd Matt Hunt (75) 4th Adam King (79) 5th Gordon Hill (80) 5th Robert Priems (80)

Seniors Results: 1st Chris Priems (73) 2nd Gordon Hill (80) 3rd Harry Boughen (81)

Nearest the Pin Results: ProPin – 15th Jackpot BallPin No 1 – 7th Stephen O’Sullivan BallPin No 2 – 18th Harry Boughen

Whichever way you look at it, the headline result won’t change! The other thing that won’t change is the fact that it was a lovely day out at Ye Olde Ivanhoe. It wasn’t too, too chilly to start with, and it did warm up as the morning progressed, and the layers were peeled off, if there were layers to be peeled off. No accounting for the hardy/foolish types that choose to front up half dressed. The course continues to look well with the fairways nice and green, but not too muddy, and the greens were pretty smooth with a bit of sand in evidence and a bit of speed about them to boot. At least, that was some members’ excuse! And, speaking of members, there were a mere eleven who turned out to try to take advantage of the extra points that would be available from playing GrandPar. As it turned out, this was to little avail, as the only doublers were scored by Harry and Steve, who both managed a birdie on the seventeenth. It is possible that Steve owes his to Ryan, who made an observation (not a coaching tip!) about his swing on the 16th that was given some credit for this little feat. The benefit might have been a bit short-lived, because Steve followed it up with a five on the 18th. As an aside, exactly the same fate befell Harry, who was not a beneficiary of assisting commentary.

One thing that will be changing, however, will be Adam’s handicap. He started out with a par on the first, and barely put a foot wrong for the rest of the front nine, and reached the turn with a score of +3 on the card. And this was despite having gone close to missing the ball entirely with his driver, resulting in the ball travelling barely 40 or so metres on a line well removed from the centre-line of the fairway. It did make it past the red markers, so no embarrassment there. The back nine, did not run quite so well, although there were a couple fewer strokes available to be used. However, the 38 strokes off the stick, together with the 40 taken on the front nine, resulted in a round of 78 strokes, which is a personal best for Adam by a margin of two strokes. The points tally of +4 was enough to take the points for the day by a very handy margin.

In second place was – daylight! Actually, it was a trio of ‘youngsters’, of varying degrees of young. First cab on the rank was T – I mean, Raj, who played the first five holes without putting a foot wrong, so to speak. Which prompted CJ to ask him how he was going in the Championship, to which Raj modestly replied that he was actually leading the table. This promptly lead to the wheels falling off, and he managed to gash the next four holes. Things settled down a bit after the turn, and the result for the back nine might have been a bit better than square if it were not for a shawshank redemption on the 17th. Brendon had some important business to deal with on his phone at the 17th tee, and ended up quite oblivious to the shenanigans that his playing companions were getting up to. He was probably making an appointment with the ProShop to discuss the problems that he is having with his driver. And that is probably the reason that he could only manage minus one to take a share of second place with Raj. Which brings us to Ryan. While Brendon was fiddling with his phone, Ryan managed to hoick one well to the left and far away to finish somewhere near Kew. He teed up again, and, this time, sent it well to the right of the green, and nearly took out the group gathered on the 18th tee in the process. Needless to say, the resulting minus was all that was needed to tie him up with the other two reprobates in second place.

Harry had one of those days when, pretty much every time he managed to score a plus, he immediately counteracted it with a minus. He has also often wondered what would be the purpose of having a drain hole in the middle of the 10th green. Today, he found out when a chip that could easily have finished across the green landed right on target to take the pace off the ball to let it finish less than half a metre from the hole rather than a possible five metres. CJ reckoned he should have been on the second podium level due to a putt that just would not drop. The ball came to a stop and turned towards the hole as it encountered a pitch mark right on the edge of the hole. Instead of falling in, the ball remained in the pitch mark, and no amount of heavy footedness as he approached the hole could persuade it from its resting place. SOS was not overly pleased with his game after the front nine that found him behind the eight-ball, so to speak, with four scores on the wrong side of the ledger. The back nine produced a fairly significant turn-around, in fact, one of the largest for the day so that, he too, finished with a bottom line of minus 2 to share third place with Harry and CJ.

The Beast went very close to scoring a birdie on the 1st. However, his drive on the second was something less that spectacular to say the least, which lead him to say that maybe he should have quit after the first. He then proceeded to smash two great shots to miss getting a birdie by the narrowest of margins, leaving a simple tap-in for the par. After five holes, Bill reckoned that it was his best start to a round for a long time. By the end of the round, he reckoned that it was his worst round in a long time. Still, his minus five was enough to score him a couple of points for fourth place. Steve also made one of the turns-around of the day, going from minus six on the front to square on the back. Whereas Gordo did the exact opposite, going from square on the front to minus six on the back. He was comforted somewhat by the fact that, due to the multiple placings ahead of him, he still did get a point for sharing fifth place with Steve.

In the Nearest the Pin competition, the first BallPin was on the 4th hole, and Gordo was quite pleased to be able to get his name put on the card. Unfortunately, Brendon came along and rained on the parade with a closer shot and collected the ball on offer. The ProPin was set on the 12th, and, for a while, it looked as if there could be a Jackpot in the offing. It was not to be, as Porks was able to put his shot to 3.69m to collect the dosh on offer. He also rattled in the putt for the birdie, one of six that the assembled crew managed for the day. And, that was not all. Porks also got his name on the card for the second BallPin on the 18th.

Gordon had a bit of a difficult shot to make on the 13th, with his ball nicely sitting up in the penalty area, but with a pretty soggy stance under-foot. There was a bit of uncertainty about where the ball finished, but it was safely out in the fairway with a not impossible shot to the green available. In line with his run of horrors on the back, the next one finished in the penalty area on the left, leaving little option for scoring. It seems possible that there is some sort of ‘Great Attractor’ located over near Kew, as both Beast and Gordo fell victim to its charms from the 17th tee. CJ got a bit of a flea in his ear today that caused him to keep confusing his Rs with his Ts. As a result, Raj kept coming out as Taj. And, in a way, Raj and Targe are something of birds of a feather. Both take remarkably large back-swings when playing close in shots to the green. Targe also seemed rather excited by the fact that the unions were planning to ‘ban Dan’ if he tried to cancel the duck season. Which could explain why he was looking so fondly at the black ducks that were making themselves at home on the fairways.

Results for Saturday, 26 Aug 2023
1st Adam King (+4) 2nd Rajesh Mahto (-1) 2nd Brendon Mitchell (-1) 2nd Ryan Porker (-1) 3rd Harry Boughen (-2) 3rd Chris Priems (-2) 3rd Stephen O’Sullivan (-2) 4th Bill Eastoe (-5) 5th Steven Gervasoni (-6) 5th Gordon Hill (-6)

Seniors Results: 1st Chris Priems (-2) 1st Harry Boughen (-2) 2nd Bill Eastoe (-5) 3rd Gordon Hill (-6) 3rd Steven Gervasoni (-6)

Nearest the Pin Results: ProPin – 12th Ryan Porker BallPin No 1 – 4th Brendon Mitchell BallPin No 2 – 18th Ryan Porker